You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
