he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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