remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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