Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
