i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
be right there i have to get my cape
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
