She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Even my vagina gasped.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
