did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
