Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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