In the future we'll all be gay
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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