i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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