who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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