I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
