umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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