i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
