At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
