So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
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it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
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if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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