I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
