Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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