I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
