In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
