Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
