my mouth tastes like poor choices
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
