yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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