i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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