I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
