We're facebook friends in real life
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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