Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
