forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
