Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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