I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
