I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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