The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
