I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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