Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
