Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
