woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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