Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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