I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
