Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
