i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
