I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
