i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
