Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
