i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
