Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
