Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
