I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
