Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
