dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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