It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
