If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
