The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
how does that bad decision feel?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
