my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
