After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
