i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
