I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
