bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
