headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
